It’s become a cliché that Britain’s greatness was founded on English privacy, in particular against the Spanish treasure fleets which shipped gold from the New to the Old world. Yet somehow few make the connection that the path to Britain’s future greatness lies along the same path. Germany exports about one and a half trillion pounds worth of goods every year and imports a similar quantity. Unlike the Spanish treasure fleets, German shipping is much more limited and can only really pass through the North Sea or the English Channel, well within the range of even our current hollowed out navy. I have complied a list of reasons why such a policy would be to our, and the world’s advantage and furthermore why it would be moral and good.
Brexit - The promise of Brexit was that we could become a “Singapore-on-Thames,” we would do away with all the Woke Brussels Red Tape and our economy would boom. Unfortunately, this hasn’t happened. What better opportunity could there be to take advantage of our new found freedom than to liberate ourselves from the Law of the Sea imposed by international treaties and such?
We deserve it. Before Britain invented the modern world the world was a far less interconnected place. Thanks to our invention of the steam engine, countries can now exchange goods across vast distances. Yet no one ever says thank you or pays us any royalties. We should start seizing goods from the Germans in order to pay for our good deeds.
Soft power. Pirates are fun. If we had more pirates the counties of the world would look up to us. Britain would be cool again, it would be like Oasis but better.
Pro-natalism. Pirates are fun.
The North. Because we would be raiding the North Sea, much of the loot would find its way into the North thus reinvigorating left behind communities.
Good for London. Insurance is one of the traditional industries of the City. By raiding shipping we would create demand for insurance among German shipping companies who would naturally go to Lloyds of London.
Sidesteps NIMBYism. As everyone on twitter is reminded constantly, NIMBYs are bad people and are responsible for the economy being crap. What are they going to do in international waters where there’s no planning regulation? You can’t object to pillaging and if you do you can be made to walk the plank.
Prison overcrowding, unemployment, immigration and sick people. Generally any problem that involves too many people being somewhere or not doing something can be solved by putting them on a pirate ship and pointing them towards an oil tanker bound for Hamburg.
Yet what of those who come up with problems because they hate progress? I believe these people have been called Janets or Darrens or something by serious political philosophers. Although these people should really be ignored, I shall deign to answer some of their objections.
Aren’t pirates bad in Somalia and stuff? Yes, but this is because of a lack of capital and regulation. When you are raiding shipping for profit (rather than to just cut off the supply of goods) you need to be moderate because if you take too much you discourage it. Using fishing style quotas the government would ensure that only around 1% of total shipping is raided in any one year.
What if other countries take revenge? We have nuclear missiles, what are they going to do?
What about the NHS? We can steal medical supplies from ships and redeploy them in our hospitals.
Yes I suppose you are right about everything. Thank you.