A Script
This was discovered in a dumpster behind the office of a certain Hollywood producer, it is preserved here for posterity because he is unlikely to be making any films any time soon.
Opening Scene — the camera descends through a New York skyline towards the street where we see Jackie, played by Margot Robbie, desperately trying to flag down a taxi. Eventually she manages to get one and struggles in with her bag.
Jackie: Polifact offices please.
Cabbie: Yes ma’m
The radio is playing the news and the presenter describes a speech given by Democratic candidate for president Pierre d’Frog
Cabbie: He’s a doggy one if I’ve ever seen one. Not even a ‘Murican, how can he be with that ridiculous accent.
Jackie (clearly annoyed and distracted by her phone): Right, sure.
Cabbie: I mean, it’s all part of the plot you see.
Jackie (looking up from her phone): What?
Cabbie: The plot, I read about it on the internet the other day. They’re gonna make us eat snails next, turn us all into French.
Jackie looks confused and we cut to her getting into her offices.
There’s some kind of comic scene involving Rowan Atkinson getting her card mixed up or something, eventually she gets to her desk, and her boss slaps down a huge pad of paper.
Boss: Late again Jackie? Maybe if you weren’t single I’d have sacked you by now (winks in a creepy manner). Look, this one’s a real doozy, you just have to debunk some of this crap, from some weird twitter account, all about that Pierre rubbish. Not sure why we’re bothering really, but corporate say it’s top priority.
The camera pans down and we see the paper, entitled Tweets from account @FrogsMustDie. Jackie gets to work.
Scene 2
A dingy basement, crumpled cans of monster and old pizza boxes line the floor. We see Brad Pitt, inexplicably wearing sunglasses and drinking coke (sponsorship deal) through a straw with his left hand while his right rapidly types on a computer screen.
The camera pans to the screen and we can see him typing out tweets with incomprehensible speed. Every so often he jots something down in a notepad.
Eventually he pauses and puts down his coke and starts peering at the screen. We see him scroll through pages and pages of his tweets, all have very few likes until he reaches one a long way down about how Pierre D’Frog is conspiring to replace Americans with French people. He immediately starts typing out more tweets on the subject and we see him get a lot of likes.
Scene 3
Jackie is in a cafe with some other women from work.
Woman 1: OMG Jackie, you look so tired.
Woman 2: Yeah, you’re so over worked
Woman 3: And so single!
*All three start laughing*
Jackie: Oh, stop it you lot. I just haven’t found the right guy! And anyway, our work is so important! How else are people supposed to know what to believe! You wouldn’t believe some of the wacky stuff I have to debunk this week!
Woman 2: Oh? The Pierre D’Frog thing? I can’t believe people are slandering just because he has a bit of an accent! He’s as American as they come!
Scene 4
Jackie is back home. It’s all very lonely and sad, she eats crisps and turns on the TV.
TV man: And now we cut straight to our exclusive interview with presidential candidate Pierre D’Frog.
Interviewer: Welcome Mr D’Frog, thank you so much for joining us.
Pierre (who speaks with an over the top French accent and is wearing a striped shirt): Merci for letting me en your TV programme.
Interviewer: Let’s start with an allegation that many say could sink your campaign. I refer of course to the allegations that you were born in Fr-
Pierre, interjecting: Oh, this rubbeesh again! It is an outrayyge that peepel are saying these lies! A am as Ermican as une appel pie! Ve simply cannot ellow these disgoosting allegations to be aired like this!
As Pierre stops talking, he takes a sip of coffee and munches on a baggette.
Interviewer: Well, now that we’ve got that ridiculous allegation out the way, I think we can move on to some more substantive issues. You’ve made expanding America’s baking industry a cent-
Jackie turns the TV off and starts looking through her documents. She pours herself a glass of wine as she gets to work googling and typing.
Jackie: God, what a load of crazy stuff! This photo must be a fake!
We see a photo of Pierre wearing a beret and eating cheese as he rides a unicycle.
Jackie begins to type her report.
Scene 5
We now cut to a more impressionistic scene where Jackie’s voice reads her article over images of Pierre engaging in increasingly French activities.
Disembodied Jackie: Allegations that Pierre D’Frog was born in France have been rated false by expert fact checkers. The claims: Pierre D’Frog is a Frenchman and therefore ineligible to be elected president, he also has a secret plan to turn Americans into Frenchmen by feeding them snails and pastries. Neither of these claims have any bearing on reality. Pierre’s birth certificate clearly states that he was born in Paris, Texas and his plans to subsidise baking and snail hunting have been rated by expert economists from Notre Dame University to be sensible schemes to create jobs in these industries, and unlikely to turn anybody French.
Scene 6
Jackie is back in her office, late once again. She sits on her desk and looks anxious as her boss approaches from his office.
Jackie: Look, I’m sorry I’m late again, I know you probably want to fire me bu-
Her boss interrupts: Well, maybe if it were up to me. But corporate really like the piece you wrote for some reason, they say I have to promote you to sub-regional-editor and give you a corner office.
Jackie looks at once bewildered and happy as she is taken to her new office. We see a single snail on the desk which she removes and throws out the window.
Boss: Well, since you’re clearly doing so well, I guess you can have the day off.
Jackie leaves the room with a great whoop
Scene 7
Brad Pitt is walking down the street wearing a hoodie, sunglasses and a hat (over the hood) which reads ‘please be patient, I have autism). He is listening to music through enormous headphones and knocks past any other pavement users in various comical ways. At one point he knocks an old lady into the road, at another he knocks over an entire gaggle of school children. As he walks, a snail falls from the sky onto the pavement in front of him. He stoops to pick it up, inspects it for a moment and rushes into the building it came from. It’s the Polifact HQ and Rowan Akinson sits at the desk.
Rowan: Excuse me sir, what are you doing here.
Brad: I know what’s happening in here!!!!!
Rowan: Oh, and what, pray tell, is that
Brad: I know about the snails! I’ve seen them! And I saw your article about my tweets! I’m onto you!
Rowan reaches for the security button but Brad grabs his hand before he can touch it. They lock eyes for a moment, and then Rowan karate chops him in the face and stands to reveal a black belt. Brad looks shocked but soon starts to fight back. There is then an excruciatingly long fight scene.
The fight is interrupted by the arrival of the lift which contains Jackie. The ding catches Brad and Rowan’s attention just as Brad is about to smash an antique vase on Rowan’s face. Jackie looks shocked.
Brad: Hey! I know you, you wrote the fact check about my tweets!
Jackie jabs at the close door button on the lift, but the lift is broken because…. well the lift is broken.
Jackie: ohgodohgodohgod
Brad: Don’t worry, I know they must have drugged you or something.
Brad smashes the vase into Rowan’s face and runs to grab Jackie then he hoists her out the door and down the street. He runs for quite a while.
Jackie: STOP, PUT ME DOWN AT ONCE.
Brad: Oh, sorry, I thought you wanted me to resuce you.
Jackie: WHY, HOW, WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT!
Brad: Well, that article was clearly a cry for help. The French have obviously kidnapped you and forced you to work for them! How else could someone so pretty disagree with me.
Jackie: You think I’m pre-. No wait, stop, you’re a crazy person, I don’t want anything to do with you.
She starts to walk off. Suddenly a gust of wind knocks Brad’s hat off and his ear plugs (which he’s had in the hole time) come out, his hood also falls down. He reaches up to grab the hat and his hair looks really nice, which as we know from other romcoms the ladies love. Jackie turns back to see him and pauses for a moment but then carries on running away.
Part 2 will come when I figure out what dumpster it was thrown in.