Friends, countrymen, no doubt you are aware of the political scandals rocking our nation. Few believe that Her Majesty’s current Prime Minister will last much longer, weighed down as he is by allegations of leaving thousands of dogs behind in Afghanistan and failing to follow through on the war against the French that we were all so eager for.
Although I am a modest man and wish for no power except in so far as I can be a useful servant of Her Majesty and the Commonwealth, I have taken counsel and believe that the only thing that can save our glorious nation from imminent doom is a healthy dose of Sirsfurtherism. Therefore, I am putting myself forward, although it pains me to do so, as a candidate for Prime Minister. Enclosed you shall find a short list of the preliminary policies which my government would introduce.
The abolition of alcohol taxes in pubs — for too long merrie England has been weighed down by taxes on healthy revelry, we shall allow our ancient and holy rituals to return.
Peace between YIMBYs and NIMBYs. We need houses and development, yet we must attain these ends in a manner compatible with the well being of the people who already live in places, therefore my government will introduce design guidelines that ensure new buildings are built in a manner becoming of the local area and my personal aesthetic preferences. We will then invite any who still oppose new developments to a community meeting where we will spring on them with heavily armed guards and have them beheaded and their heads put on spikes as a warning to the others.
Nuclear power plants. I am sure we are all now aware that nuclear power is the only way forward, yet many fear for their safety. Therefore my government will do the only sane thing and seize French nuclear plants; this will allow us to get plenty of green, clean efficient power while ensuring that no harm will be done to anyone who matters. We will also build nuclear power plants in places that don’t matter, like West London and Glasgow.
Invade and dismantle Germany, possibly with French assistance. Yes, I know France is out ancient enemy, but sometimes you have to make hard compromises and fight the greater cringe.
Abolish all the dumb laws. Anything that puts people in prison for offending Captain Tom or making their dog do offensive things with its paws will be repealed.
Dismantle the donkey charity and seize its lands and wealth.
Bring back the Test and Corporation act, but only apply it to Quakers.
Ban Norman names. All children are to be given authentic Anglo-Saxon names like Aethelred or Brittonic names like Gwenyver or whatever.
Replace whatever local government exists with shiremoots because its a cooler name. They will be given power over local issues like utilities, road maintenance and defence against the Vikings.
Reduce the number of university graduates to a more sustainable level. Say 10 or 20%.
Destandardise speling.
More flags, but cool ones like the county flags.
Build lots of boats, they are fun.
Execute anyone who supports some government programme on the grounds that it creates jobs.
Rebuild the monasteries.
Complete the transition of the Anglican church to paganism. Make them sacrifice a dog or donkey (one that has been liberated from the donkey charity) in Trafalgar Square at least once a year.
Make the year start in March again.
Sell Northern Ireland to the highest bidder.
Ritually humiliate 10 random civil servants in a ceremony every month.
Kill all the grey squirrels.
im really sorry about the grey squirrels i like the old red ones too